


Panic Room

by Zygella



Series: Diamond Visits [35]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Gen, Implied Self-Harm, Mental Breakdown, im sorry., vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-12
Updated: 2019-04-12
Packaged: 2020-01-12 09:45:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18444017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zygella/pseuds/Zygella
Summary: She knows she shouldn't have ever added this song to her playlist. Someone could see, someone could find her out, give her sympathy that burned her skin because her body rejected the notion that she deserved anything like that after the things she's done.





	Panic Room

**Author's Note:**

> vent.

_Hell raising, hair raising_   
_I'm ready for the worst_   
_So frightening, face whitening_   
_Fear that you can't reverse_

 

She knows she shouldn't have ever added this song to her playlist. Someone could see, someone could find her out, give her sympathy that burned her skin because her body rejected the notion that she deserved anything like that after the things she's done. Every new mistake sends her back to this state of self-mutilation, where she attacks herself inside her head and does more damage than anyone thinks, yet her skin bares no scars. Or at least, that's what people think.

 

She thinks that she really should stop falling into this mentality. Awhile ago, she'd made progress to the point where she could fight this feeling off if she did something wrong, but now she finds herself falling back to it. What went wrong? What was she doing wrong? She always assumes it's her fault, because what else could it be? Everyone else that could possibly exist could never, ever mess up on the same level that she always did. No one deserved to have to deal with her. She really hated it when everyone would protest to it, because in a state like this, it sounded like pity comforting. Her mind wouldn't let itself interpret such things into anything else but more ammunition to tear herself down even further.

 

_My phone has no signal_   
_It's making my skin crawl_   
_The silence is so loud_   
_The lights spark and flicker_   
_With monsters much bigger_   
_Than I can control now_

 

She thinks that they'll get tired of her soon enough. They'll get tired of her, and her fears would be proven true. That they would show her that they never really cared all along. What a joke. If anything, they shouldn't be fears. After all she's done, why would they care? Why should they? She's done such terrible things, sanity-shattering things, why would they really forgive her? Why would they really care about her?

 

_Welcome to the panic room_   
_Where all your darkest fears are gonna_   
_Come for you, come for you_   
_Welcome to the panic room_   
_You'll know I wasn't joking_   
_When you see them too, see them too_

 

 

 She half expects them to be playing along, only to deliver a final blow when they decided it was time enough. A fitting revenge to what she's done, she thinks. Yes, very fitting.

 

_Welcome to the panic room_   
_(Welcome to the_   
_Welcome to the_   
_Welcome to the_   
_Welcome to the)_

 

Perhaps, somewhere deep inside of her, she wants to be hurt. Hurt again and again, because she thinks that's the only way she can atone for her terrible actions. She doesn't understand when the Gems she loves don't hate her with every fiber of their being. Why? Why, after all she's done, would they love her back? She thinks that this hurts her more than the hatred she expects. It stings behind her eyes, throbs in her chest, thrumming with shame and guilt and sadness and self-hate that just never, ever goes away fully. 

 

_Still waiting, hands shaking_   
_Maybe the coast will clear_   
_But these voices, these strange noises_   
_They followed me in here_

 

She finds her frantic blinking pathetic. The sting in her eyes protests, shouts, screams bloody murder, she can almost hear it. Her head pounds, her Gem pounds with a pressure that sends her deeper into her loss of control. Hands curled into fists so tight that if she was human, her nails surely would be drawing blood by now. A messed up notion, that self-inflicted pain makes her feel a little more stable, a little better about her predicament, that if they wouldn't treat her how she really deserved to be treated, she'd do it herself.

 

_My phone has no signal_   
_It's making my skin crawl_   
_The silence is so loud_   
_The lights spark and flicker_   
_With monsters much bigger_   
_Than I can control now_

 

She was so great at faking the idea that everything was okay. She did it for the comfort of Yellow and Blue. She didn't want them to feel bad about it. Even though they'd always wrongfully forgive her, starve her of the justice her body, her Gem, cried out for, she never wanted them to hurt because of her ever again. That's why they'd never know. They'd never know that she still felt this way, that she never really made any progress at all, that she failed, a pathetic, off-color Diamond quarantined in her headship alone, not another Gem in sight to come and try to save her. But this was what she deserved.

 

_Welcome to the panic room_   
_Where all your darkest fears are gonna_   
_Come for you, come for you_   
_Welcome to the panic room_   
_You'll know I wasn't joking_   
_When you see them too, see them too_

 

In a terrible, twisted way, she wanted them to tell her she was wrong. Tell her she was a monster, that they would never forgive her, that they wanted her to feel every single second of pain that they did when she put them through it for the countless eons she did. 

 

_Welcome to the panic room_   
_(Welcome to the_   
_Welcome to the)_

 

Yes, she truly was beyond hope. Pathetic, monstrous, loveless. Why couldn't they just see that? Why did they still have to love and care for her?

 

_There's no crying wolves now_   
_'Cause the truth has settled in_   
_Hiding under goose down_   
_For your nightmare to begin_   
_There's no crying wolves now (welcome to the, welcome to)_   
_'Cause the truth has settled in (welcome to the, welcome to the)_   
_Hiding under goose down (welcome to the, welcome to the)_   
_For your nightmare to begin (welcome to the, welcome to the)_

 

Her thoughts and wants were a paradox, she wanted to be hurt, but she didn't want them to hurt her like this. What was her goal here? Perhaps she's just lost all sense of reality now.

 

_Welcome to the panic room_   
_Where all your darkest fears are gonna_   
_Come for you, come for you_   
_Welcome to the panic room_   
_You'll know I wasn't joking_   
_When you see them too, see them too_

 

The music player was forced into repeat of the same song over and over again, each repeat driving her deeper into a point of no return. She deserves this, she thinks. She's said it to herself countless times now. Why, why,  _after all she's done?!_

 

_Hell raising, hair raising_   
_I'm ready for the worst_

 

_..._ After all White's done. 

**Author's Note:**

> im sorry. I know this isn't what anyone wanted to read.
> 
>  
> 
> Au/Ra - Panic Room (Acoustic)


End file.
